Today is hard.
I tried last night to go hangout. Any girl would have loved it. 10 cute good guys. 3 girls.
I felt out of place. it set me back, it made me question what i was doing.
How could i ever be accepted in a group like this, who was i trying to kid. I guess that's the scariest thing about trying to change, i don't feel good enough or like i fit in with the crowd I grew up around. Maybe its just today i feel like this, or maybe there is a reason. I don't know all i know is i want him today... that's all.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Falling
No one ever prepares you for love. If only it left as fast as it comes. It makes me wonder why anyone would fall in love who has had there heart broken. But as hard as it is you would never give back the times you had to feel better, that is why we love.
The good times out weigh the bad, the only thing to make you feel better is time, good friends, family and maybe a little nyquil to help you sleep at night. There is a quote that says better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, although while i sit here alone with an endless movie trailing through my head of the one i still love, I can honestly say i dont regret it. As hard of a time as i am having I would do it all again knowing i would feel like this.
I always somewhat knew i couldn't tame him but thats what i loved about him, I loved that he was independent and made me strong, I loved that he would give anyone the shirt off his back, I loved that he could make me laugh, He listened to me complain, cry and saw all of my worst traits, but i like to think i didn't hold back which is huge for me. In the end something else won over me, independence, travel and fun. You cant change a person and I wouldnt want too, i just wanted to go along for the ride. But for whatever reason this was not my ride.
The hardest part of letting someone go is your mind, constantly hoping its not for real, your just dreaming. But the reality hits when you dreams are no longer your nightmares, your dreams are better than your life. While we were together i had nightmares of loosing him, now that he is gone i have dreams we are together and happy and i wake up and reality hits me, mornings are the hardest.
I cant tell the future, I wish i could but i know i will be happy again, it might take sometime but i know it will happen. I have realized only one thing is constant in life, that is the church. God is there and will always be there. There is no place he hasnt traveled, he wants me to come along for the ride, in the end he will always want me. I guess sometimes your priorites need to be worked out. The only thing in my life i thought was making me happy was him and he made me very very happy. But he is gone, and i realize i need to be happy the only place to find that happiness is through pushing on doing what is right and having faith that i will be ok, even though right now, i have no idea how i will ever be ok again.
Someone once told me there are many roads that lead to the same place. Im glad i choose to take a road with someone as great as him, although it has come to a fork, and i have to walk alone for a bit, i hope that somewhere soon i might have him again, and if it isn't supposed to be i hope i will be given the chance to fall in love again.
I must be crazy hoping for something that you gamble your heart on. Something that can stop it from beating with an exchanging of words. But yes I am still a hopeless romantic, I know someone someday will love me enough to invite me to go along. Hopefully then i am ready to love again. I dont know how i will keep going but i know some how i will be able too. So i will keep going one day at a time one hour, one tear and one prayer at a time to get me through....
The good times out weigh the bad, the only thing to make you feel better is time, good friends, family and maybe a little nyquil to help you sleep at night. There is a quote that says better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, although while i sit here alone with an endless movie trailing through my head of the one i still love, I can honestly say i dont regret it. As hard of a time as i am having I would do it all again knowing i would feel like this.
I always somewhat knew i couldn't tame him but thats what i loved about him, I loved that he was independent and made me strong, I loved that he would give anyone the shirt off his back, I loved that he could make me laugh, He listened to me complain, cry and saw all of my worst traits, but i like to think i didn't hold back which is huge for me. In the end something else won over me, independence, travel and fun. You cant change a person and I wouldnt want too, i just wanted to go along for the ride. But for whatever reason this was not my ride.
The hardest part of letting someone go is your mind, constantly hoping its not for real, your just dreaming. But the reality hits when you dreams are no longer your nightmares, your dreams are better than your life. While we were together i had nightmares of loosing him, now that he is gone i have dreams we are together and happy and i wake up and reality hits me, mornings are the hardest.
I cant tell the future, I wish i could but i know i will be happy again, it might take sometime but i know it will happen. I have realized only one thing is constant in life, that is the church. God is there and will always be there. There is no place he hasnt traveled, he wants me to come along for the ride, in the end he will always want me. I guess sometimes your priorites need to be worked out. The only thing in my life i thought was making me happy was him and he made me very very happy. But he is gone, and i realize i need to be happy the only place to find that happiness is through pushing on doing what is right and having faith that i will be ok, even though right now, i have no idea how i will ever be ok again.
Someone once told me there are many roads that lead to the same place. Im glad i choose to take a road with someone as great as him, although it has come to a fork, and i have to walk alone for a bit, i hope that somewhere soon i might have him again, and if it isn't supposed to be i hope i will be given the chance to fall in love again.
I must be crazy hoping for something that you gamble your heart on. Something that can stop it from beating with an exchanging of words. But yes I am still a hopeless romantic, I know someone someday will love me enough to invite me to go along. Hopefully then i am ready to love again. I dont know how i will keep going but i know some how i will be able too. So i will keep going one day at a time one hour, one tear and one prayer at a time to get me through....
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